The One Where Gunther Leaves
by Bryan
Summary: Rachel finds out about Gunther's crush on her.


**The One Where Gunther Leaves ****© Bryan James, 8/22/02**

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****

This episode was intended to fall towards the end of the final season.As far as where the characters are, I'm making a few assumptions: First of all, Rachel and Ross are not back together and are still feuding at every opportunity; Monica is now pregnant and Joey and Phoebe are relatively unchanged. 

In this episode, the six Friends learn that Gunther is leaving Central Perk. Gunther is upset he cannot bring himself to tell Rachel of his nine-year-long crush on her before he leaves.Also, Rachel is angry at Ross for criticizing her appearance and Monica employs Phoebe to help her get Chandler interested in sex with a pregnant woman.

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OPENING SCENE: Joey and Chandler enter Central Perk. They approach Gunther behind the counter who is staring at Rachel. She is seated alone on the sofa, reading. He appears to be daydreaming, lost in admiration.

CHANDLER

Hey Gunther, can we get two cappuccinos?

No response from Gunther.

JOEY

Hello, earth to Gunther?

GUNTHER

What?

CHANDLER

Two cappuccinos, chop-chop.

GUNTHER

(glares at them)

Ya, chop and chop. 

CHANDLER

So what's the matter? You look out of it. 

GUNTHER

No, just... bored. Did you ever wake up

one day and realize how meaningless and 

trivial and superficial your life 

really is?

JOEY

Uh, no.

GUNTHER

(continued)

How you've never really achieved anything

you really wanted in life and probably 

never will? How you --

CHANDLER

(interrupts, points to sofa)

We're gonna sit over there now.

Joey sits on the sofa beside Rachel. Chandler sits in a chair on her other side.

JOEY

So you're still wearing those sandals,

Rache?

RACHEL

What's wrong with my sandals?

Joey and Chandler look at each other.

JOEY

Uh, nothing.

RACHEL

Joey!

JOEY

Well, Ross was complaining the other 

day that he can't stand those sandals 

you wear all the time. He said they're 

ugly.

RACHEL

He did, did he? What else did he say?

CHANDLER

Well, uh, since you ask, he mentioned 

you're dressing like a bag lady lately 

and 'Does she think having a baby is a 

licence to give up on her appearance?'

and he can't stand those sweat pants 

you wear all the time, etcetera, 

etcetera, bla, bla, bla.

RACHEL

Why didn't he tell ME about this? God, 

I'm so sick of him criticizing me 

behind my back. I'm gonna go over there 

right now and CUT HIS TONGUE OUT!

JOEY

(to Chandler)

Good thing he didn't cheat on her.

Rachel returns her mug to the counter where Gunther takes it.

RACHEL

Gunther, do you think I've let myself 

go?

DISSOLVE TO: Gunther's fantasy vision, the room darkens and a warm spotlight is shone on a goddess-like Rachel, arms out-stretched as if levitating, wind flowing through her long, golden hair and beautiful, silky gown. She smiles at Gunther, but then says bluntly...

RACHEL

Well, speak up.

CUT: back to reality...

GUNTHER

You're the most beautiful woman in the 

world.

RACHEL

Oh, Gunther, you're so sweet.

She pinches his cheek and leaves. He smiles broadly and stands frozen again, as if lost in a daydream.

JOEY

Hey man, you're whigging out on us 

again. 

Gunther faints to the floor.

OPENING CREDITS & Commercial.

SCENE (continued from earlier): Chandler and Joey have picked Gunther up off the floor.

CHANDLER

Are you okay?

GUNTHER

Ya, I'm just not myself lately. This 

big change has me all out of sorts. 

JOEY

What big change?

GUNTHER

New carpets –- I'm moving to Florida!!

JOEY

Since when?

GUNTHER

Since two weeks ago. Today's my last day.

JOEY

(to Chandler)

You been keepin' secrets from me 

again?

CHANDLER

Ya, Joe, especially when you're not 

paying attention!

JOEY

So what's in Florida?

GUNTHER

Uh, my mother lives there and she needs

someone to be with her on account of

her... problem. 

JOEY

Problem?

GUNTHER

It's called respiratory consciousness 

disorder. Something weird just makes 

her lose consciousness whenever she 

encounters anything that causes stress 

or excitement.

CHANDLER

Joey gets that whenever a pizza 

commercial comes on TV.

GUNTHER

Well, it's pretty rare, but the doctor 

assured me it's NOT HEREDITARY!

CHANDLER

Okay. Calm down. You know what we should 

do, Gunther?

JOEY

I'm suddenly in the mood for pizza.

CHANDLER

(to Gunther)

Can't hardly say that word around him. 

CHANDLER (cont'd)

Joey and I will take you out on the town 

tonight, maybe go to some clubs, see 

some pretty girls, huh? 

GUNTHER

Really?

JOEY

Some strip clubs!

CHANDLER

And get really blotto.

GUNTHER

I don't drink.

JOEY

And go to some more strip clubs!

GUNTHER

Do you think we can get Rachel... and 

Phoebe and Monica to come along?

CHANDLER

No, this is more of a guys night out.

JOEY

You'll get a chance to say your

goodbyes to all the gang.

CHANDLER

Except Rachel has that big dinner with 

her mother tonight.

GUNTHER

(crestfallen)

Ah.

He faints again.

SCENE: Monica and Chandler's place, just the two of them. Monica sneaks up behind Chandler who is looking in a lower kitchen cabinet. She pinches him in a sensitive place below his butt. He jumps about a foot in the air.

CHANDLER

Ah! Don't do that.

MONICA

Why not?

CHANDLER

I could have hurt myself.

MONICA

(she embraces him 

aggressively)

I could get one of those electric 

cattle prods. You can try it on me.

CHANDLER

No, I'm just... not in the mood.

MONICA

Seems like you're never in the mood 

anymore.

CHANDLER

So the answer is shock treatments? I 

just don't want to mess around at... 

ten o'clock in the morning, that's all.

MONICA

Well, when do you want to? Do I have to

make an appointment?

Chandler kisses her softly...

CHANDLER

Some other time.

She smirks. ENTER Phoebe...

PHOEBE

Hey guys. What's up?

MONICA

Oh, I've just been trying to seduce

Chandler but he's not in the mood.

PHOEBE

Should I leave?

MONICA

No Phoebe, it's okay.

CHANDLER

Can we change the subject please?

PHOEBE

(ignores him)

So, Chandler doesn't want to have sex 

anymore?

MONICA

No. I don't know what it is, either.

Maybe too many salty snacks, put his

metabolism out of whack.

She snatches a bag of potato chips away from him. 

CHANDLER

Or maybe my wife has gotten randy as a 

goat since she started expecting. I 

thought a baby was supposed to bring 

out your maternal instincts, not your

lets-do-it-on-the-kitchen-floor

instincts.

MONICA

Well, I just thought --

CHANDLER

Do we need to discuss this in front

of people?

PHOEBE

Oh, don't be embarrassed. I'VE done things 

that would make...

(she notices Monica and 

Chandler's curiosity)

but THAT'S another story. Chandler's just 

nervous being around you when you're prego. 

He doesn't want to upset you.

MONICA

Upset me, how?

PHOEBE

Well, a lot of guys don't want to do 

it with a pregnant woman because they 

think they might harm the baby.

MONICA

Well, that's crazy!

CHANDLER

So said the logical one.

(he pinches her butt)

MONICA

(yelps)

Ow!

PHOEBE

Or, he doesn't find you attractive 

anymore.

MONICA

What?

PHOEBE

(to Chandler)

Well?

CHANDLER

Phoebe, I'm Sleepy, not Bashful. I'm just 

not motivated to do it when she's -- 

MONICA

Are you sure? Pregnancy is doing wonderful 

things for my breasts. Wanna see?

CHANDLER

No!

MONICA

(as he runs away)

More like Grumpy, if you ask me!

PHOEBE

Okay, I can fix this. 

(then, looks at Monica's chest)

Wow.

SCENE: Rachel enters the coffee house to find Ross. She is carrying a couple shopping bags.

RACHEL

So, Ross, how are YOUR feet today?

ROSS

What?

RACHEL

Are your shoes comfortable, not too

tight are they? I heard they we're 

giving you problems.

ROSS

No.

RACHEL

Here, let me see.

Suddenly she stomps on Ross' foot. He yells out in pain.

ROSS

What was that for?

RACHEL

I don't know. Who was it that was

telling people I walk around in ugly 

sandals all day, wearing old pants 

and looking, how did you put it, LIKE 

A BAG LADY?!

ROSS

Rachel, calm down.

RACHEL

How could you say things like that, Ross? 

You know, I really don't care how you 

think I look, but to go around gossiping 

about me behind my back, that really 

pisses me off!

ROSS

And it makes your hair do that woo-hoo

thing.

Rachel snaps her head around to glare at Ross.

ROSS (cont'd)

You're gonna hurt your neck doing that. 

(pause)

So, are you gonna straighten up a little 

or what?

RACHEL

What? 

Rachel tries to stomp on his foot again but misses.

ROSS

Well, is it true? Did you lose the map to

your closet full of nice clean clothes?

RACHEL

(makes a fist)

You pig! I'm gonna -- 

Rachel's cell phone rings. She takes it out of her purse and answers.

RACHEL

(into phone)

Okay, I'm on my way.

(to Ross, pointing at him 

menacingly)

This is not over!

ROSS

Don't forget your bag, lady.

SCENE: Back at Monica's Place. Chandler is gone. Monica and Phoebe are talking.

MONICA

So how do we gonna get Chandler

interested in sex again?

PHOEBE

(smiles)

Oh, Monica, naïve girl. It's not like 

trying to get Panda bears to do it. We 

just gotta figure out what captures 

Chandler's imagination.

MONICA

You mean a costume, or role playing?

PHOEBE

Ya that, or painting your butt with

honey. 

MONICA

Don't tell me I have to start dressing 

in all kinds of slutty outfits and 

throw myself at him.

PHOEBE

No, no, no. Well, only half right. You 

dress sexy and then don't let him even 

touch you. You see, offer him the 

candy but then pull it away at the 

last second. Pretty soon, he'll be 

wanting it so bad, he'll start humping 

the furniture.

MONICA

Like a Panda bear?

PHOEBE

Exactly.

LATER: At Monica and Chandler's Place. Phoebe is gone. Chandler is watching a science fiction movie on TV, mesmerized by a female space alien, and eating popcorn. Monica peeks out from the bathroom wearing a sexy negligee. She sneaks up behind Chandler and shakes her head dismissively at the TV screen, where the sexy alien is berating the male space travellers she has captured.Monica moves towards Chandler, blocking the TV, and bends over in front of him to give him the best view of her chest. 

CHANDLER

C'mon, you're blocking the TV.

MONICA

TV, we don't need no stinking TV. 

CHANDLER

Hey, what's up with you?

MONICA

I went shopping today. You like it?

CHANDLER

(growls)

Arrrr, yes I do.

MONICA

(withdraws, mock emotion)

Well, that's too bad. I'm not in the 

mood!

CHANDLER

(suddenly uninterested again)

Oh, okay. Do we have any more pop?

MONICA

(disappointed)

Aaaahhh!!!

She grabs his popcorn from him and walks away eating it herself...

SCENE: Monica's Place. Monica and Phoebe are discussing Phoebe's plan.

PHOEBE

So it didn't work out?

MONICA

No, and I felt like such a fool, doing 

dishes in my negligee to try and entice 

Chandler. He kept bringing me more 

dishes to wash!

PHOEBE

You know, you could have changed before 

you did the dishes.

MONICA

But they were dirty!!

PHOEBE

Okay. Well, maybe we need a different 

strategy. 

MONICA

Like what?

PHOEBE

Maybe it's not about sex. Maybe it's 

you.

MONICA

Pardon me?

PHOEBE

Hear me out. All guys fantasize about 

being with another woman, right?

MONICA

Ya, so.

PHOEBE

So, we'll give him one.

MONICA

What?

PHOEBE

It's called displacement. It's a 

legitimate technique in sex therapy. 

The stimulus remains the same but the 

identity changes. We'll get another 

woman to seduce him and just when he's 

ready to pounce, we change the object 

of his desire back to where it's 

supposed to be. But the key is it won't 

be a stranger so he won't really be 

cheating on you. It has to be someone 

he knows, a friend he's attracted to – 

like ME!

MONICA

Phoebe, that's nuts.

PHOEBE

No, I read about it in a book.

MONICA

What book?

PHOEBE

Cosmo.

MONICA

I'm not gonna let you seduce Chandler.

PHOEBE

Oh, c'mon, it'd be fun. 

MONICA

No.

PHOEBE

Okay then, hypnosis.

ENTER Ross.

ROSS

What about hypnosis?

PHOEBE

We're gonna get Chandler interested in 

sex again by hypnotizing him.

ROSS

Ya right.

PHOEBE

Oh, I forgot. The professor doesn't 

believe in hypnosis.

ROSS

It's not science! It's just the power 

of suggestion taking over weak-willed 

people – and blondes. Anyone with an 

ounce of intelligence can't be 

hypnotized.

PHOEBE

Okay, Doctor Greasehead. How much do you 

bet I could hypnotize you?

ROSS

A hundred bucks.

PHOEBE

You're on.

SCENE: Strip Club. Gunther sits between Joey and Chandler looking bored. Joey, of course, is enthusiastic.

CHANDLER

What do you think?

GUNTHER

They're like bus drivers with no clothes 

on.

CHANDLER

Which bus do YOU take? What's the matter?

GUNTHER

Oh, it's not them. It's... I've got things 

on my mind.

JOEY

I've got things on my mind, too. 

(he waves at a stripper)

There are coffee shops in Florida, y'know.

GUNTHER

No, not that.

JOEY

Then what?

GUNTHER

Have you ever been in love?

JOEY

I don't think I'm your type.

CHANDLER

Who is she?

GUNTHER

I can't tell you. I can't even tell her. 

That's the problem.

CHANDLER

We understand. You're shy. Y'know, there's 

a cure for shyness...

(he picks up his drink)

JOEY

When did you meet her?

GUNTHER

Nine years ago.

CHANDLER

Nine years, and you still haven't told 

her?

GUNTHER

No.

JOEY

Whoa. This could be a stalker movie. Why 

haven't you told her?

GUNTHER

Well, she was with this other guy for 

a long time and then she wasn't and 

then she was and... it's very 

complicated.

JOEY

You got to tell her, man, before you 

leave. C'mon, what is it? Whatever the 

problem is, I'm sure it's happened to 

me before.

GUNTHER

She thinks I'm gay.

JOEY

That's never happened to me -- maybe 

Chandler.

CHANDLER

Ya, so what? Listen man. Just be 

yourself, tell her how you feel. Even 

if nothing comes of it, you'll regret 

it for the rest of your life if you 

don't at least try.

GUNTHER

I know.

JOEY

(to Chandler)

So who thought you were gay?

CHANDLER

Do we really need to make a list?

SCENE: Monica's place, continued from earlier. Phoebe is going to hypnotize Ross.

PHOEBE

Okay, Monica, you have a video camera?

MONICA

Ya. Why?

PHOEBE

We need to tape Ross being hypnotized or 

he'll never believe it worked.

MONICA

Okay sure.

PHOEBE

Sit back, relax, Ross. Close your eyes. 

Relax every muscle in your body. Now 

I'm going to count backwards from ten 

-– and no touching yourself, please.

ROSS

Okay.

PHOEBE

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, 

four, three, two... one. 

(pause)

Ross is under her spell.

PHOEBE (cont'd):

What is your name?

ROSS

Ross.

PHOEBE

And where do you live?

ROSS

New York.

PHOEBE

How old are you?

ROSS

Thirty-four.

ENTER Rachel. She observes quietly...

PHOEBE

What is your favourite color?

ROSS

Purple.

PHOEBE

What is your favourite month?

ROSS

September, back to school.

PHOEBE

(quietly, to Monica)

Even his dreams are nerdy. 

(to Ross)

Listen carefully. From now on, whenever 

you hear a telephone ring, you're gonna 

take off your pants immediately.

ROSS

Okay.

Rachel whispers something in Phoebe's ear.

PHOEBE

And whenever anybody says shoes, you're 

gonna quack like a duck.

ROSS

Okay.

PHOEBE

(snaps her fingers)

Wake up.

ROSS

What, nothing happened. See I told you.

RACHEL

Oh, this should be fun.

Rachel dials Monica's number with her cell phone. No reaction from Ross.

PHOEBE

Damn, it didn't work.

ROSS

What didn't work?

Ross looks lost and confused. The girls stare at him until he leaves.

SCENE: Gunther enters the hallway outside Joey's apartment. He is very drunk, supported by Joey and Chandler.

GUNTHER

(sings)

Once I had a railroad, made it run, 

made it run to the sea...

(speaks to Chandler)

Y'know, this stuff ain't bad.

Monica enters from her place.

MONICA

What's up with Gunther?

CHANDLER

We introduced him to a new drink 

tonight.

MONICA

What's that?

GUNTHER

Alcohol.

MONICA

So why are you bringing him here? You 

should have taken him home... 

(she holds her nose)

where he could smell up his own place.

CHANDLER

He insisted on coming here to say goodbye 

to everyone before he leaves tomorrow 

morning.

MONICA

Oh, I feel sorry for the person who has 

to sit beside him on the plane. 

JOEY

Actually he's taking the train. He's 

afraid of flying.

GUNTHER

It's so HIGH!

CHANDLER

Is Rachel around?

MONICA

No. 

GUNTHER

Ah.

He passes out. Joey takes him into his place.

SCENE (early next morning): Ross enters Monica's place. Rachel and Monica are at the breakfast table. Rachel is reading the paper.

ROSS

Hey Rache, anything good in the paper?

RACHEL

Not especially.

ROSS

Well, maybe you should try the University 

gossip column. "Students are cautioned to 

give Professor Ross Geller a wide berth 

when they see him coming. According to 

divorce papers filed by his wife Jezebel, 

he is suffering from premature senility 

and bouts of manic hysteria brought on by 

a long history of mental illness and drug 

abuse." Did you have anything to do with

this, JEZEBEL?

RACHEL

(laughs)

Gee, did you marry me again? There's a 

lot of anecdotal evidence attesting to 

your instability, Ross. Have you ever 

spoken in a British accent?

ROSS

Rachel, this is a university and 

professors are supposed to be respected. 

How do you think it makes me look if

the students think I'm a nut-case?

RACHEL

Well, I'm sorry Ross. I was upset. It 

isn't so nice when people go around 

saying things about you behind your 

back, is it?

ROSS

No, I suppose not.

RACHEL

Okay, I'll call the lady at the paper 

and tell her the truth -- that you're 

only half crazy.

MONICA

New shoes?

ROSS

Quack. No. 

The girls start laughing at him.

ROSS 

(continued)

What? What's so funny?

RACHEL

Nothing, just admiring your shoes, 

that's all –- shoes!

ROSS

Quack, quack.

Ross is utterly confused again.He looks around and then leaves.

MONICA

Where is my video camera when I need it? 

(she picks it up)

Hey, who's been playing with this?

Monica connects it to the TV and she and Rachel watch the tape. Joey and Phoebe are hypnotizing Gunther the night before...

PHOEBE

What is your favourite color?

GUNTHER

Yellow.

PHOEBE

And what is your favourite month?

GUNTHER

May. It's her birthday on the 5th.

PHOEBE

Who's birthday?

GUNTHER

Rachel's.

PHOEBE

Rachel's? Rachel who?

GUNTHER

I love her ever since we met. Rachel 

Karen Green.

PHOEBE

(to Joey)

Oh my God. Turn it off!

CUT back to Rachel and Monica (shocked)...

RACHEL

This is too weird. All these years 

Gunther had a crush on me?

MONICA

Looks like it. 

RACHEL

His train leaves in like, an hour?

Monica nods.

RACHEL (cont'd)

I'll go talk to him.

MONICA

Rachel, you're gonna go after Gunther?

RACHEL

No! But I've got to see him before he

leaves. I owe him that much.

SCENE: Busy railway station, lots of people around. Rachel spots Gunther about to board his train. She pulls him aside for a talk.

GUNTHER

Rachel, what are you doing here?

RACHEL

I saw the tape.

GUNTHER

What tape?

RACHEL

Oh, I guess you don't remember. Phoebe 

hypnotized you and...

GUNTHER

And what?

RACHEL

You said... you said you were in love 

with me since the first time we met. 

Is that true?

GUNTHER

Well, uh...

RACHEL

It's okay, Gunther. I've actually had 

some experience with guys having secret 

crushes on me.

(tilts her head)

My neck hurts.So, you too, huh?

GUNTHER

Uh, ya.

RACHEL

(smiles)

Well, Gunther, you know it's kind of 

late now but I would have liked to have 

known you better. So -- you're not gay?

GUNTHER

Why did you think I was?

RACHEL

Well, you know, you're so soft-spoken 

and polite and you wear those brightly-

colored shirts all the time.

GUNTHER

Ya.

(pause)

I'm gonna miss you.

RACHEL

I'll miss you too.

The conductor calls...

CONDUCTOR

All aboard!

RACHEL

Well, I guess this is it. Gunther, make 

me one promise.

GUNTHER

Anything.

RACHEL

If you meet a nice girl in Florida, 

one that you like, I want you to walk 

right up to her and say, "Hi, I'm 

Gunther, would you like to go out some 

time?"

GUNTHER

Really?

RACHEL

Yes. Y'know some of them may turn you 

down, but...

(she takes his hand)

some day you'll meet one who thinks 

you're as sweet and handsome as I do. 

Promise?

GUNTHER

I promise.

RACHEL

Okay.

Rachel lays a big kiss on Gunther. He faints. The conductor comments...

CONDUCTOR

Wow. I've never seen that before.

RACHEL

Really? I see it all the time.

She strides away confidently.

TAG SCENE:Chandler and Monica's bedroom.Chandler is wearing his pajamas. He puts on a hockey helmet.He is waiting for Monica to enter.

MONICA (O.S.)

Chandler, I'm ready now.

CHANDLER

Stay in character. Remember, I'm the simple 

explorer Petry and you're Vavelda, the

evil space alien who's captured me for 

experiments in new forms of reproduction.

MONICA (O.S.)

Okay, here I come. 

Monica enters.She is wearing an outrageous gold bikini with big pointy Madonna-like breasts and has huge gold hair and matching gloves and boots.She stands with hands on hips.

MONICA

(as Vavelda)

Earthling, as your punishment you must 

engage me in your primitive mating activity 

until my neuro-pleasure receptors are charged 

with the energy of a thousand Cordasian

lightning bolts!

CHANDLER

Wow. That was --

MONICA

(sternly, as she snaps a whip 

in her hand)

No talking! Prisoners are not allowed to talk!

Now...

(she steps unto the bed)

Serve me!

(to herself) 

I can't believe I'm doing this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE END~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[mailto:bryan0081@hotmail.com][1]

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